Patrick Neve
2003-07-02 18:14:07 UTC
Copyright 1984 Guardian Newspapers Limited
The Guardian (London)
September 21, 1984
LENGTH: 187 words
HEADLINE: Guardian Diary / Entertaining Mr Hyams
BYLINE: By ALAN RUSBRIDGER
BODY:
We must brace ourselves for a barrage of column inches on the eccentric
musical entrepreneur, Frank Zappa, due to give two of his rare London
performances next week. But do not imagine that these column inches were
easily garnered. A few days ago, a posse of Fleet Street's finest was
flown to Belgium to witness a pre-London gig for promotional purposes.
Things began to go wrong at the airport when their host, Zappa's London PR
man, Mr Roland Hyams, rang to say he'd overslept, but would be joining the
lads shortly. He did - but without his passport. Mr Hyams nipped home. The
scribes waited.
Once on Belgium soil Mr Hyams embarrassed himself by being sick inside the
taxi. Keen to make amends, he offered to fork out personally for exotic
escorts for such members of the assembled party as wanted them. The hacks
were mollified - and so was Mr Hyams until he discovered he was pounds 250
short of the pounds 500 escort bill. One of the journalists obliged with
his credit card.
'It was a nightmare come true,' said a slightly subdued Mr H yesterday.
Still, it's the column inches that count.
__________________________________________________________________
Corroborative evidence from:
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/andymurkin/Resources/MusicRes/ZapRes/1971D.html
There's just one more story worth telling here. It didn't happen in 1971 -
in fact, it didn't happen until 1984 - but it's a good one to tell, while
we're on the subject of British PR men. I haven't found any other
reference to it in the extensive Zappa literature, but at the Hammersmith
Odeon, 1984, Frank opened the second show on September 24th with this
little tale:
"Some of you people might have been in the first show, during which we
were making fun of a person named Roland Hyams. Some of you may know why,
and a lot of you probably don't.
Anyway, you should know this: we hired a publicity person to take care of
advertising these shows in England - a real English publicity person who
does English groups, like David Bowie, the Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart . .
. We say, "Well, maybe he would get it right if he did us."
And you know what this motherfucker did? He was supposed to bring some
really important journalists to Brussels, to see our first show in Europe
. . . Anyway . . . it really wasn't the journalists' fault, you know -
this all refers to a little article that was in the Manchester Guardian on
Friday. The journalists were sworn to secrecy, that they wouldn't spill
the beans about what happened . . .
They were supposed to go to the airport, and the guy calls them up and
says, "Sorry, I overslept." So they miss the plane. Then the guy gets to
the airport - oops! he forgot his passport, so he has to go home and get
the passport. Even later.
Well, they get to Brussels . . . and in the cab on the way to the hotel,
Roland Hyams vomits! We don't know what Roland was eating the night
before, or what he was doing, but he was in trouble.
So, in order to make the journalists feel more at ease, he promised that
he would take them to a whorehouse! - which he did.
I spent a long time talking with these journalists - hours upon hours,
doing all this wonderful publicity for these concerts. They did not go to
the concert in Brussels: they were out at dinner with Roland Hyams! They
got back to the show, just in time for the encore, and came to the
dressing-room, said they had enjoyed it very much, and told me they had a
great time at the whorehouse the night before. The reason they had such a
good time is because they had told the whores that they were the members
of my band! . . .
Oh, the bad part is . . . this guy has already been paid for doing the
work. We called him up tonight and said, "Now, Roland, be a good guy and
give the money back!" He said no, he felt that he had done a really good
job and didn't want to do it. So, Roland, you're in some deep shit!"
[Transcribed by the author]
The Guardian (London)
September 21, 1984
LENGTH: 187 words
HEADLINE: Guardian Diary / Entertaining Mr Hyams
BYLINE: By ALAN RUSBRIDGER
BODY:
We must brace ourselves for a barrage of column inches on the eccentric
musical entrepreneur, Frank Zappa, due to give two of his rare London
performances next week. But do not imagine that these column inches were
easily garnered. A few days ago, a posse of Fleet Street's finest was
flown to Belgium to witness a pre-London gig for promotional purposes.
Things began to go wrong at the airport when their host, Zappa's London PR
man, Mr Roland Hyams, rang to say he'd overslept, but would be joining the
lads shortly. He did - but without his passport. Mr Hyams nipped home. The
scribes waited.
Once on Belgium soil Mr Hyams embarrassed himself by being sick inside the
taxi. Keen to make amends, he offered to fork out personally for exotic
escorts for such members of the assembled party as wanted them. The hacks
were mollified - and so was Mr Hyams until he discovered he was pounds 250
short of the pounds 500 escort bill. One of the journalists obliged with
his credit card.
'It was a nightmare come true,' said a slightly subdued Mr H yesterday.
Still, it's the column inches that count.
__________________________________________________________________
Corroborative evidence from:
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/andymurkin/Resources/MusicRes/ZapRes/1971D.html
There's just one more story worth telling here. It didn't happen in 1971 -
in fact, it didn't happen until 1984 - but it's a good one to tell, while
we're on the subject of British PR men. I haven't found any other
reference to it in the extensive Zappa literature, but at the Hammersmith
Odeon, 1984, Frank opened the second show on September 24th with this
little tale:
"Some of you people might have been in the first show, during which we
were making fun of a person named Roland Hyams. Some of you may know why,
and a lot of you probably don't.
Anyway, you should know this: we hired a publicity person to take care of
advertising these shows in England - a real English publicity person who
does English groups, like David Bowie, the Rolling Stones, Rod Stewart . .
. We say, "Well, maybe he would get it right if he did us."
And you know what this motherfucker did? He was supposed to bring some
really important journalists to Brussels, to see our first show in Europe
. . . Anyway . . . it really wasn't the journalists' fault, you know -
this all refers to a little article that was in the Manchester Guardian on
Friday. The journalists were sworn to secrecy, that they wouldn't spill
the beans about what happened . . .
They were supposed to go to the airport, and the guy calls them up and
says, "Sorry, I overslept." So they miss the plane. Then the guy gets to
the airport - oops! he forgot his passport, so he has to go home and get
the passport. Even later.
Well, they get to Brussels . . . and in the cab on the way to the hotel,
Roland Hyams vomits! We don't know what Roland was eating the night
before, or what he was doing, but he was in trouble.
So, in order to make the journalists feel more at ease, he promised that
he would take them to a whorehouse! - which he did.
I spent a long time talking with these journalists - hours upon hours,
doing all this wonderful publicity for these concerts. They did not go to
the concert in Brussels: they were out at dinner with Roland Hyams! They
got back to the show, just in time for the encore, and came to the
dressing-room, said they had enjoyed it very much, and told me they had a
great time at the whorehouse the night before. The reason they had such a
good time is because they had told the whores that they were the members
of my band! . . .
Oh, the bad part is . . . this guy has already been paid for doing the
work. We called him up tonight and said, "Now, Roland, be a good guy and
give the money back!" He said no, he felt that he had done a really good
job and didn't want to do it. So, Roland, you're in some deep shit!"
[Transcribed by the author]